So um yeah it's been like 3 weeks since I've actually posted a blog post
I don't have any excuses but the reasons why I haven't posted are pretty self explanatory and if your a good person you will understand why
these last few weeks a lot has happened
And my next upload was actually going to be on this topic any way so now I have new feelings and more recent experiences to add
If you remember when I was explaing what I'm doing with these goodbye uploads I said that the inspiration come when a friend left and that I was thinking and I realised that saying goodbye has been a relatively regular thing for me
I also said that upload would be about friendship and this one family
You may also remember I said my granda wasn't doing to great ( I think I mentioned this I'm not 100% sure but if I didn't here it is now)
After that he actually got better and I was noticing when I visited him ( in hospital) he was improving
On the last week of school ( the last Tuesday before Easter break) my dad granny and my dads 2 sisters ( my aunties) were called into the hospital because my granda had taken a turn for the worst
They left at around 9am on Tuesday morning then never got home till around 10:30 one of my aunties stayed you know so my granda wasn't alone
What I'm trying to say is at 0:38 on Wednesday morning my granda died
(My granny asked me to read out the death certificate to her since she couldn't find her glasses and I'm sure this was the time written)
That morning it snowed I see it as my granda marking his last day alive on earth
I spent a lot of my time at my granny's from the Friday (first day of Easter break) to now
The whole time I've been thinking:
- that this is not right
- I need to see him once more
- why now
- one last hug ? Please
It only hut me the day of the funeral (last Thursday) that he's actually gone and I'm never going to see him again that he's not in pain any more
When I was at the funeral all I was thinking was:
- he so close ( I was second row ( first was my dad aunties and granny)) I'm only a few meters away
- I just want to see him
- this is the closest I'm going to get
- he's not going to see me live my dreams
Now I'm coming to the realisation that I'm going to be okay everything is my granda is gone but he's still here in spirt he's going to watch over me see me succeed
The thing I just don't like is since my granda died in a hospital he was laying in the mortery ( think that's how you spell it)
( mortery translates as mort= death in Latin I think so death-ery)
And he was laying in one of those movie style like metal drawers you pull out ( according to my parents)
That scares me that he was just with other bodies
Also my granda had been threw a number of operations ( leaving non healed scars) he also had a habit of pulling out drips ( the needles put in your skin used to pump fluids in) therefore he had lots of bruises
All I can think now is he never god the chicken fillets he always asked for
I guess it was just his time to go and I can't change that no one can
Basicly I said at the start of this upload that I have had experience with losing people
I have
Lots of years ago I think 2007 I lost my great-uncle ( but I was to young to go to the funeral)
in 2010 I lost my mums dad my granda
In 2011 I lost my cousin ( he wasn't young he was much older the stereotype of cousin is always your but he wasn't
In 2012 I lost my great-uncle
In 2013 I lost my mums mum my granny
And
In 2015 I lost my dads dad my granda
Each time it's different you remember different things and it all becomes such a whirlwind of memories and emotion
But if you are going threw this remember to stay strong for other family don't annoy them be calm and ask I a nice Manor about the topic
You may be hurting but everyone else is too
Let your feeling do what they want to do
Also when you are at a funeral if you want to cry then cry
I always thought people would judge me
Truth is they are thinking the same
The wait before it actually starts I find the worst because your sitting absolutely silent in a world of your own with all these emotions flying round
Another thing if you want to talk about it and tell your friends for some support then do so your mind is confused and talking can help
I personally don't like talking bout it
For my granny and great uncles I remember the funerals were on school days and I had to tell people, and people asked where I was
But this time with my granda I haven't told a sole I mentioned it on my fan account on Twitter but that's it none of my friends no yet
They probably will after this though
If you guys are going threw this feel free to talk when I say I know how you feel I honestly know more than you think this time
Please if you want to talk just leave a comment
Also if people are being inconsiderate idiots about your situation don't take any thing they say
Trust me they don't know a thing and if they are being mean at a time like this don't talk to them mute them completely they don't even deserve a look from you
Sorry about such a wait and dramatic upload but yeah
I was gonna do a coachella outfit idea blog post 2 weeks ago but obviously I didn't and now coachella is practically over so next week I'm gonna do a festivals outfit ideas instead
( by the way coachella is a festival in California is massive and so many celebrities go it's open to anyone and everyone it's just an amazing experience all round ) and no I did not go this year but I will go one year
If you want to say anything on this topic please leave a response in the comment section below but no hate guys
Also yes this is extremely hard to upload putting a story about my grandmas death but I wanna reach out and help people and let them know they are not alone
I will see you all next week
Bye guys
